Goals and a look back at an old list for Five Things Friday

1 Jun

This Friday I thought I’d do a little blast from the past.

I’ve been thinking a lot about goals lately. Back when I was a senior in college, we had to write a list of five goals we wanted to accomplish in the next 10 years. I can almost picture that piece of paper in my mind. Part of me thinks that if I really look hard enough {read: dig through all my piles of junk and clutter} I’d be able to find it. Because I’m pretty sure I saved it.

We were told that by physically writing your goals down on paper you were much more likely to actually attain them compared to simply thinking or talking about them. Something about the act of putting it in writing that makes it seem more real, I guess.

I can remember four of the five things on my senior year list of goals.

  1. Get married
  2. Buy a house
  3. Have kids
  4. Make $100k in one year
  5. ?

I actually accomplished all of those things in the first five years out of college. But for the life of me, I cannot remember the fifth thing.

It still bugs me.

In the corporate world, I always had goals. It didn’t matter whether I had a strict, micro-managing boss, or a laid-back superior who could care less what my numbers looked like. Because to me, I had goals in front of me for the week ahead, for the month, and for the year. If I didn’t, my work tended to be just mediocre. By laying out the objectives I wanted to reach or exceed, I pushed myself harder and did higher quality work. My reputation was so important to me. I was always worried about what people thought of me and how they viewed me as a recruiter that I almost needed to better myself with each placement to keep up. It was exhausting. But looking back, I’m very proud of what I accomplished in the ten years I worked.

Now I’m a mom. I’m a wife. I’m a homemaker. I don’t care so much what other people think of me, but I do care about feeling that I’m successful in my new career of SAHM. I haven’t set goals for myself in over two years. Unless you count the 35-pound weight-loss goal I was determined to accomplish after the birth of my son. {I hit that one, in case you’re wondering.}

I’m itching to write some new goals. Given that it’s June 1, I thought it was a good date to lay out some monthly goals for the rest of the year. I think I’ll stick to three goals for each month, so as not to overwhelm myself.

June
1 Volunteer at a nursing home
2 Start and finish the gardening work around the house (weed all flower beds, lay fresh mulch, hang flower baskets from porch)
3 Run four days a week
 
July
1 Clean and organize garage
2 Carve our initials into the humongous tree that lives beside our house
3 Do a 3-day juice fast
 
August
1 Take a photography class
2 Cook vegan/vegetarian the entire month
3 Repaint the kitchen a bold color 
 
September
1 Create Preschool boxes for each of my kids to collect their artwork and projects
2 Plan a fall {October} wine tour with friends
3 Do a 10-day juice fast
 
October
1 Go on a family camping trip
2 Go to church every week and become more involved by joining a group
3 Finish my manuscript
 
November
1 Be a “Room Mom” for a day at my son’s preschool
2 Work hard on my abs and keep them in shape through the holidays
3 Finish holiday shopping and start a new rule that each child gets 3 gifts and each adult gets 1 gift from Santa in order to simplify things and celebrate the true meaning of Christmas
 
December
1 Throw a really awesome holiday party & make it a tradition
2 Format my manuscript into a blog book including my own photography
3 Sponsor a local family for the holidays
 

I’m hoping to hold myself accountable to these goals to be able to look back on the second half of this year and see all that I’ve accomplished. I think it would be incredibly satisfying to say that I was able to do what I set out to do. Not just for me, but for my family, too.

I’m excited about this. I feel a new energy that I haven’t felt in awhile. It’s time to rock this list. Let’s go.

What do you think? Have you written out any goals since becoming a mom? What do you want to have accomplished by the end of 2012?

 

 

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Wordless Wednesday: Down on the Farm

30 May

 {baby girl, hair blowing in the wind, on the family farm in Wisconsin}

We got home on Monday afternoon from a six-day trip to visit family in Wisconsin and Minnesota. The kids did really well overall, despite the nap-strike our son decided to go on for the first three days. Once he gave in to the rest he so desperately needed, his tantrums practically disappeared and he was a much more fun kid to be around.

We spent the first three days visiting my husband’s aunt, uncle, grandmother and cousins in a small town in Wisconsin. They live on a farm, and the kids had a blast checking out the cows and chickens, and riding on uncle’s two tractors. Then it was off to Minnesota for my husband’s cousins’ wedding which was just lovely. It was very hot – had to have been 95 during the ceremony which was in a beautiful park beside a lake – but it was a short service and then it was over to the restaurant for the reception in the A/C.

I must admit, I was kindof definitely not looking forward to traveling with two kids under the age of 4, but it was such a fun trip that I can say now that I’m not as scared of these types of family vacations anymore. That being said, we did fly, and only had to drive the 4 hours between Wisconsin and Minneapolis, which was not bad at all. Our family beach reunion in August {in Hilton Head, SC} is going to be a completely different story given the fact that we cannot afford to buy 3 plane tickets so we’re driving the 10 hours {that’s not including any stops, which I’m sure we’ll have to make one at the very least for a bathroom break}. For that trip we are planning on driving through the night so that {fingers crossed} the kids will sleep for most of it.

I’m just glad that we had a good trip and got to see family who we only usually see once a year {if we’re lucky}. Wish I would have taken more pictures looking back, but there’s always next time. Now I just need to dig out from 7 loads of dirty laundry. This should only take a few days…

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{Also linking up with And Then-She Snapped, The Paper Mama and Baby Baby Lemon!}

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Just Write: Making memories

29 May

Why is it that whenever we’re on a family trip, I neglect to take the pictures I so desperately want to see when I get home and download my camera’s memory card to my computer?

The past six days we spent visiting the two sides of my husband’s family. Despite the heaviness of fatigue that was pulling at my shoulders and making me ache to be in my bed sleeping off the travel, once the kids were in bed I rushed to my computer to dump my camera’s contents out so that I could see what I had collected.

My heart sank when I realized that I forgot to get a picture of my father-in-law and his brother with his mom. I missed the chance to get a picture of my husband with his grandma. I barely got any photos of my mother-in-law with her grandkids. And there weren’t any pictures of my husband’s aunt or his cousins and their kids.

Being the pessimist I am {yet wish I could say the opposite} who always tends to look at the glass half empty, I couldn’t help but wonder if that might have been our last visit with his grandma. It may have been our last chance to take pictures with her. Our last chance to see her sweet smile and hear her soft voice tell us stories about when she was a girl.

I’ll never know, but I will hold tightly onto the memories of the time we spent together this past week. I will try to think less about the pictures we forgot to take and more about the time we spent together making memories that will last in our minds as long as we can hold onto them.

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Five Things Friday

18 May

I’ve been trying to cook vegetarian and vegan foods over the past few weeks in an effort to rid our family of processed foods at home and eat healthier as a whole. One of my blog friends recently saw one of my Instagrams and asked for the recipe, therefore, this FTF is dedicated to recent recipes and blogs I’ve found which have inspired me along during my adventures in vegetarian cooking.

  1. Vegan Yum Yum – Eggplant & Pine Nut Rolled Lasagna - I only had no-boil noodles in our pantry, so I did a layered version instead. It came out FANTASTIC!! I will definitely make this recipe again. LOVED it. Even the next day for leftovers it was delish.

  2. Pickles & Honey – Fruit pulp Mini Muffins - Her blog is so creative. She comes up with such yummy recipes, I’m eager to try them all. Since discovering her blog I have made these fruit pulp muffins twice and they are so perfect for a snack on-the-run. I added raisins and the kids love them too.

  3. CreateLiveBlog – Chickpea Chocolate Chip Cookies - I was just curious to try making these, since I had found the idea online. The peanut butter in the “batter” makes them taste like peanut butter chocolate chip cookies, which is even more tasty to me that plain on choc chip. These only lasted a few days in our house. Will definitely make these again. Super easy, fast and healthier than your average cookie.

  4. Cookin’ Canuck – Vegetarian Mushroom & Cannellini Bean Ragout - was searching for a Three-Bean Salad recipe to use a can of Cannellini beans I had in the pantry, when I stumbled upon this blog. Love her ideas and can’t wait to try more. I had to substitute a few things in this recipe, but for the most part stuck with the ingredients it called for and it was so delicious. My daughter had two bowls of it!!

  5. Happy Herbivore – Black Bean Brownies - My sister-in-law told me you could make black beans into brownies, but I was skeptical. I found this recipe and went to it while the kids napped. They were good, but I think they could be improved upon with some tweaking. I added dark chocolate chips to the batter and I think that is what did it for me, but I might try some other alterations next time I bake these. Just like the cookies, for me this is just a much healthier way to curb my cravings.

    Happy Friday everyone! Hope you have a wonderful weekend.

    XOXOXO

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Switching things around

17 May

I’d like to start off this post with a little disclaimer. I am not a doctor, and therefore, what you are about to read is in no way, shape, or form, medical advice. I just feel a need to write about it, and since this is my blog, that is exactly what I am going to do.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been an evening med-taker. Back when I used to be on multiple meds, the combination would make me sleepy, so my doctor would always recommend taking the cocktail of pills at bedtime.

But it’s been over a year and a half since I’ve just been taking good ‘ol Lithium {and Ambien as needed, which turns out to be once a month or so, sometimes less}. And lately, I’ve been noticing that by the end of the day – twelve hours straight of just me and the kids – I am so burnt out. My irritability is through the roof, and I’m sometimes snapping at the kids if they do something that gets on my nerves {which, by the end of 12 hours is practically everything, I have to admit}.

I last had my blood levels checked about two weeks ago. You have to get your blood drawn 8-12 hours after your last dose, so for me that meant that I had to get an appointment at the lab before 10am since I usually take my pill around 9-10pm. I made an appointment online and it just happened to work out that I got a 9:30 spot. Two kiddos in tow, I kept them entertained in the waiting room with the ipad {TocaBoca Doctor is great, btw!}.

The waiting room was packed, so by the time the phlebotomist got around to drawing my blood, it was almost 10am. I had taken my Lithium at 10pm the night before, so I was certain my level was going to be really low.

Sure enough, a few days later my psychiatrist called to say that yes, my level was low, but that is okay since it’s working for me.

I thought about how I had been feeling mentally lately, and decided to make a small change in my regimen for my own mental health. I decided that it wasn’t really doing me much good taking my pill before bed, because then the highest concentration of the medication was running through my blood while I was sleeping.

Doesn’t make much sense, right? Why have all that good medicine at its peak in your blood while you’re sleeping, only to be at its lowest levels during the hours of the day you spend awake and busy?

Let me clarify, that I know full well that when you take a daily medication like Lithium, it remains fairly constant in your bloodstream over the course of time. But for me, I just wanted to try out my theory that if I took my pill in the morning, by having the highest daily concentration of the medicine in my body during the daytime hours, maybe that would help keep my mood more steady and even when I am awake. Basically, when I need it most.

I am happy to report that since making this change on Monday, I’ve felt better. Felt like I’ve had more patience. Felt more calm and steady. Felt like a better mom, even. With my little man going through a rough case of picky-eater syndrome and the “Terrible 3′s”, I so needed this change in my mental health.

This is what I needed. And I’m so glad it’s working for me.

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Just Write

15 May

Yesterday morning both kids were completely quiet on the monitor as I tried to rub the sleep out of my eyes enough to drag myself out of bed. I took a quick peek at the screen to see my little man sound asleep in his bed, laying on his side towards the wall, and my baby girl silently tracing her cheek with the knotted corner of her super soft lovie blanket. I was excited at the chance to get her up and fed {if I was lucky} before her big brother woke up. He needed the extra sleep since he missed his naps over the weekend.

I tip-toed into her room and peered over the rail at the front of her crib. She lay flat on her back, paci securely in her mouth, with her lovie tucked under her arm and its head in her chubby little grip. I smiled and said my usual “Good Morning, my love!” to which she replied with a happy grunt and a quick flip over onto her belly. She popped her bottom in the air and pretended to not want to be picked up.

I snuck out of her room as she was lying face down, and waited a few seconds for her to notice I was missing. She started to whine and I peeked my head into the doorway so she could see me. Instant smiles.

I picked up my little bundle who was zipped up in her sleep blanket, and placed her gently on her changing table. I asked her if she “had a good sleep?” as I normally do. The corners of her pouty mouth crept up slowly into a warm grin {paci still in her mouth} as she pointed to her chin and said, “Mama”.

I had spent months watching her point to her head and say, “Dada” ~ her own unique way to use baby sign language to ask for her Daddy.

But today was my day. And I couldn’t think of a more fitting day than the day after Mother’s Day. I’ll treasure that moment forever.

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Dear New Mama ~ don’t ignore PPP symptoms. Please.

13 May

Dear New Mama,

My son was four weeks old and I was manic out of my mind in October of 2008. I was somehow able to hide it so well from everyone close to me, my parents, my best friend, my therapist, even my husband. No one knew but me. But who was I kidding? I couldn’t go on like this, and I knew it. The week after he was born I had broken down crying to my mom, handing her my cell phone pleading with her to call my OB to ask her what I could take to help me sleep. I had been off all medication (except pain meds from the C-section) since October of 2007. A full year with no medication at all: a recipe for disaster for anyone diagnosed as having bipolar disorder two years prior. But I was doing it for the baby. My husband and I both wanted a medication-free pregnancy, and then I wanted to breastfeed and did not want to expose the baby to medications that would come through in the breastmilk.

The first month, I had slept maybe 2-4 hours a night and it was catching up with me fast. I’d take two Tylenol PM and would get a few hours of sleep, but woke up, as I usually did since the baby was born, in a sweaty panic – I just knew he needed to be fed even though he was usually sound asleep at the time. I was trying desperately to make breastfeeding work, but we were struggling. He had lost weight since we left the hospital and the pediatrician forced us to supplement with formula but I was determined. I was so afraid of failing. My best friend was my cheerleader, urging me to keep going, visiting when she could to offer helpful tips and encouragement. My husband was also supportive and we knew it was risky being off medication in order to breastfeed, but we had decided to try it. My parents had arrived two days after the baby was born and were planning on staying a week before heading back down to Florida. When they realized how little sleep I was getting, they were worried and my mom pushed out her return trip by five days. After nearly two weeks of help from my parents, my husband’s parents, friends cooking dinners for us, and my husband being off from work, I had to learn to do it on my own. It is so foggy, those first four weeks, but we took pictures so I could remember. I did it on my own for two weeks, three days. Then the shit hit the fan.

The statistic was 1 out of 1,000. I never thought I’d be that one person who was dealt the postpartum psychosis card. I mean, what are the chances, right? But I guess I really should have seen it coming, having been diagnosed with bipolar disorder only two years earlier.

So, you may be wondering, how did I know that I was experiencing postpartum psychosis? Well, at the moment I didn’t. I just knew that how I was feeling couldn’t be right.

I was dead-set on breastfeeding, and therefore, was the sole source of milk for the baby so I had to be up every two to three hours. The process of changing his diaper, changing his outfit if he had leaked, swaddling him back up, feeding him on the boob, burping him, and settling him back down took me about forty-five minutes each time. Therefore, I had an hour or so to try to sleep before he would wake again, but instead of sleeping, despite what should have been my intense exhaustion, I would rush around the house doing laundry or dishes or I’d pump to try to get my body to produce more milk so that I could store it. It was as if my body had surpassed the exhaustion phase, and I was now invincible. I was starting to believe that I didn’t even need sleep. I also felt super smart – like my brain was functioning at a superior level. Having never been a stellar student in any stage of my schooling, it was weird, to say the least.

During the fourth week, before I was eventually hospitalized, I started experiencing hallucinations. Mostly things are fuzzy, but one I can actually remember is from the morning that my husband finally realized he needed to commit me. I had woken up several times during the night but just stayed in bed listening to the sounds of trucks driving along the highway not too far from our house, hoping to fall back asleep. When the dawn broke and light started filtering in through the mini blinds, the alien spaceship that was hanging from the center of our bedroom (aka: the ceiling fan) began to spin, illuminate, and hover towards me. I shook with fear. But kept my mouth shut. I didn’t want my husband sending me to the hospital. I had to keep feeding my baby. We had just started to “get it” and he was doing well. I was actually enjoying the bonding time it created between me and the baby.

THANK GOD my husband got help. He had to call 911 because he wasn’t able to get me to agree to go in the car to the hospital, let alone take medication. I was so lucky, because he knew the signs to look for from my two previous manic episodes, and he wasn’t afraid (or too proud) to admit that I needed medical attention. Specifically, anti-psychotics. Stat. And although I never had thoughts of wanting to harm my baby, who knows if those could have been the next thoughts to enter my mind had we waited any longer to get help.

What I want you to know, mama, is that if you ever experience symptoms similar to mine after the birth of your baby, please don’t feel ashamed about it. Don’t ignore the signs. Have your husband or partner read about them too, so they can be as prepared as you are. Knowing what you know now about postpartum psychosis is half the battle. The other half is being open to accepting the help you need to get better for you so that you can be there for your baby. I did, and I’m so thankful because it was the best decision my husband and I did for our family, and continue to do, each and every day.

The medication I take keeps me “in the middle”, as we in my family like to refer to it. I ended up taking it, under the close supervision of both my psychiatrist, OB-GYN, and high-risk OB-GYN, during my second pregnancy and we were blessed with a precious baby girl who has completed our family. I continue to take my medication, see my psychiatrist and therapist regularly, and lean on the support of my husband, parents, and close friends in order to keep my mental health in check.

I wish you all the happiness in the world as you meet your new little bundle of joy. I know that you’ll turn out to be one incredible mama. Just like I did.

Much love,

Jennifer aka BipolarMomLife

The 4th Annual Mother’s Day Rally for Moms’ Mental Health is presented by Postpartum Progress, a national nonprofit 501c3 that raises awareness & advocates for more and better services for women who have postpartum depression and all other mental illnesses related to pregnancy and childbirth. Please consider making a donation today, on Mother’s Day, to help us continue to spread the word and support the mental health of new mothers.

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Secret Mommy-hood Confession Saturday

12 May

I can totally relate to Kim’s confession today. Mine is similar. In honor of Mother’s Day tomorrow:

Six years ago I thought there was no way in hell I’d recover from the deep depression and crippling anxiety I was feeling, day after day, to start a family with my husband. Was ready to give up on the dream of being a mother because I thought I just couldn’t do it. I was too sick.

I am so thankful that I didn’t give up. I am so thankful that I fought like crazy, albeit not without many tears and mopey naps on the couch, but I battled my illness for a good year and a half until I was able to slowly and steadily climb out of the trenches to realize that there was hope. I am so thankful that my husband did not give up on me. I am so thankful that my family stuck by me and was there to listen to me cry when I needed to {which was pretty much daily}. I am so thankful that my doctors were able to figure out the best medication to get me back to my normal. I am so thankful that my friends did not turn their backs on me when they found out I was suffering from a mental illness. I am so thankful that I was able to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Because if I wouldn’t have been able to, I wouldn’t have been able to see this:

My little blogger-in-training. :)

But seriously, my kids are the single BEST thing that has ever happened to me {aside from marrying the love of my life, of course}. These kids make me laugh {constantly}, challenge me {hello, potty-training, anyone?}, and push me to become a better person because I want them to look up to me. I sometimes have to stop and stare at them. I think to myself, “Wow. This little incredible person is half me and half my husband, and together, we made him and her. We made these little miracles. Just, WOW.”

Tomorrow is Mother’s Day and Postpartum Progress will be featuring a letter an hour, for all 24 hours of Mother’s Day, written by moms. It is, as Katherine Stone, the rally’s creator, put it: “a 24-hour celebration of the importance of emotional health for new mothers on Mother’s Day.” And I am honored to be a part of this fantastic online support network. And I really hope you stop by tomorrow to read.

Happy Mother’s Day {a day early}! I hope you, like me, will celebrate all. weekend. long. We deserve it.

Something Something Button

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From my little man & Five Things Friday

11 May

Little man brought this home from preschool yesterday in honor of Mother’s Day.  I guess my new healthy eating routine is rubbing off on him. :) The other side is a poem about his fingerprints, along with a purple glittery impression of his little paws. I’d type it out for you, but I think it would make me cry again, so I’ll leave it up to your imagination. My mom still has something similar to this from when I was in preschool. I will treasure it and will keep it forever. This is one for the baby book, for sure.

To go with this beautiful paper treasure, he presented me also with a door hanger that says “Do Not Disturb” which he decorated with stickers so that I could use it “when you need your quiet time, Mommy”. AWESOME gift. I am in love. And feel so very blessed.

My Five Things for Friday:

  1. We’re going to our first outdoor concert of the year tonight and I cannot wait!
  2. Tomorrow our new carpet gets installed and I’m thinking it might feel like we’re living in a new house since I just finished painting the dining room yesterday. Pretty cool!
  3. The weather is gorgeous and I’m excited for the beginning of summer. Who isn’t?!
  4. I am so over baby girl’s canine teeth. Come in already, suckas! Poor baby is so fussy, I can’t imagine what she’s going through. Hopefully another week and they’ll have cut through her sore gums.
  5. Sunday is Mother’s Day {as I’m sure you’re all aware} and I’m excited to be participating in Postpartum Progress’ 4th Annual Mother’s Day Rally for Moms’ Mental Health. Just finished my letter last night and I’m really proud of it. Look for it here on Sunday, and also on Postpartum Progress at 5am. A huge thank you goes out the Katherine Stone for creating the rally and being the driving force behind advocating for women with mental illnesses related to pregnancy and childbirth.

Happy weekend everyone!

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Wordless Wednesday: Her curls

9 May

Her wispy, soft curls seem to extend further down her chubby little neck every day. I vow to never cut them. Until she’s at least 6.

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{Also linking up with Live and Love Outloud, And Then-She Snapped, The Paper Mama and Baby Baby Lemon!}

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