Letting Go of the Secret

1638001945_6d2fc78977Photo Credit: notsogoodphotography via Compfight cc

Living a life with an ever-present fear of revealing a certain secret part of yourself isn’t truly living. I know, because I’ve been there. Being caught up in an inauthentic version of myself wasn’t the way I wanted to live my life. And so I made some changes. The results were incredible.

At twenty-six years old, newly married and at the peak of my career as an agency recruiter, I was hit with mania. It came without warning, and felt exactly the same as slipping on black ice and landing flat on my back, the wind sucked out of my lungs and a searing pain pulsing through my bones. I was terrified of what was happening in my brain. I had lost control of everything and my career and reputation were on the line, not to mention my relationship with my husband who didn’t see this coming.

How would I ever recover from this mess?

I would, although recovery eluded me several times. Following my diagnosis, I spent a full year in what felt like an extended visit to a deserted island: the isle of depression. It seemed like no one could possibly understand what I was feeling. I fought waves of anxiety each morning, and would calm myself down from my afternoon anxiety by collapsing on the couch in front of the television, tears soaking the oversized pillow which my head rested on.

I saw many doctors, so many that I can’t remember most of their names. My parents pushed for second, third, fourth opinions. Not because they didn’t trust the doctor’s opinions, but because we hadn’t figured out what would bring me back to my baseline. My normal. Finally, after seeing one of the top doctors in our area, a national specialist in the study of bipolar disorder, I was ready to follow his advice, the same medication recommendation that the previous few psychiatrists had been urging me to try.

Within two months I felt better than I had felt in an entire year. Slivers of my old personality were coming back. When I laughed, it felt genuine and amazing, better than it had felt even before I became sick. When several weeks had passed and I realized I hadn’t cried, I was shocked. The drug was actually working for me.

There would be two more hospitalizations in the years that followed, only because I had taken myself off my medication during pregnancy to protect my kids. When my daughter was only 8 months old, I decided I was ready to tell my story in order to help other women who might think they couldn’t have a family because of their mental illness. I launched my blog and began writing, but kept my identity a secret because I feared the repercussions of the stigma associated with mental illness.

I kept writing and sharing my experience as a mom raising two small kids while at the same time managing my bipolar disorder and over the next year and a half, I realized that keeping my identity a secret was only adding to the stigma surrounding mental illness. It was a part of my life and I wanted to show society that I’m a real person with real emotions and I believe that people who live with mental illness should be treated like any other person living with any other life-long disease. We didn’t ask for these conditions we were dealt, and the last thing we need is for society to look the other way when we’re suffering and need support to find recovery.

I was no longer ashamed.

And so in April of 2013, I announced on my blog that I was “ready to not be anonymous anymore,” and I took a brave stand against stigma. The support that poured in from my family and friends, and people I didn’t even know but who had read my post, was overwhelming. The words of gratitude for sharing my story so courageously were like fuel to me, as I kept writing about my experiences and connecting with people who appreciated my transparency.

Six months ago I launched a project and couldn’t have imagined the response it has generated. This Is My Brave is a live theater production where people from the community will take turns at the microphone to share their story on stage via personal essays, original music and slam poetry. This Is My Brave is more than just a one-time performance. We have become a platform and a community for people living with mental illness to speak out in an effort to end the stigma associated with brain illnesses.

Our mission is to ignite and actively promote―through actions and social media― a positive, supportive national conversation about mental illness for those who live with, or love someone who lives with, a brain illness. Through the sharing of stories and experiences of those in recovery, we expect to provide a sense of community and hope; encouraging others to share their stories. We believe that each time one of us talks openly about living with mental illness, we create another crack which helps to break down the stigma. We’re currently in the process of converting to a 501(c)3 non-profit organization and have been actively planning the pursuit of our mission beyond the debut of This Is My Brave in Arlington on May 18th.

It’s time we bring mental health issues into the spotlight because they’ve been in the dark too long. Please visit www.thisismybrave.com to learn more about the show. Auditions are currently being scheduled (www.thisismybrave.com/auditions) and tickets to attend the show are on sale now at EventBrite.com.

Follow the show on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram for all the latest news!

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  1. I actually started tearing up reading your post. I don’t know if it is the headache or medication change which I hope not since I’ve been excited about going down to one medication. Anyway since stumbling onto your blog which lead to other blogs I have thought more about my bipolar struggle which has lead to being more honest with my psyciatrist hence the medication change. I so just went of topic with want I wanted to say. Oh well it had to do with hiding mental illness.

  2. As I was reading this, my son’s movie was hitting a crescendo(sp?) in the music. I was so ready to jump up and shout yeah at the end of this post :)

  3. Your story is powerful and the project you started sounds amazing. The word “brave” doesn’t even seem to do justice to the strength and courage those participants must have in order to speak out like that. I wonder if someday mental illness will come as far as other things that had such a stigma 20 or 30 years ago and are now openly discussed.

  4. So inspiring! I think of you every time I hear that song on the radio about being brave and saying what you want to say.

  5. I’m so glad that you take the time to write your blog Jenn. And that you have been inspired to create your show. You are such an inspiration!

  6. You are truly an inspiration!

  7. Hi Jennifer, I was really struck by this post and admire your honesty and dedication in bringing awareness to the area of mental health. I can totally relate to your story and have been following your blog for a while. I recently started a blog too, to document my daily goings on that I focus on to keep me busy as I am home everyday, but to also share my story about how mental health has invaded my whole life. Almost 2 years ago I sought help for anxiety and depression and have since been on medication and had therapy. I was diagnosed with PTSD, Panic Disorder, major depression and Cyclothymia. However, I have never felt the huge improvement you describe sadly. Each day for me is a struggle, I have ups and very bad downs, yet I regularly notice I’m doing things sometimes, that I just couldn’t achieve before. Sorry to write such a lot but I just wanted to thank you deeply. Its incredibly inspiring and comforting to read your story. Wishing you all the best!

    • Rachel,
      Thank you so much for reading and commenting! I look forward to reading your blog and applaud you for writing about your life with mental illness. It’s not easy to do, yet we help so many others when we put our stories out there. Keep your chin up and keep taking one day at a time.

  8. I admire your courage in stepping out of the shadows of your illness and sharing with others! Congratulations on “this is my brave” what a fabulous idea!

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