Dark Side Of The Full Moon Review

Dark Side of the Moon Film Review Bipolar Mom Life

A life-saving film has been created. Dark Side of the Full Moon is a documentary about when motherhood meets mental health.

Earlier this week, the production team sent me an early viewing code. I watched it tonight. And let me just say that this film got me fired up.

At the end, Writer/Director Maureen Fura says, “This story could have been about how a group of women, who had never had a mental illness, suddenly at pregnancy and postpartum, found themselves in the midst of a mental health crisis. But the real story is how the most common complication of childbirth could be the best kept secret of motherhood.”

I urge you to watch this film. If you are able to make time tomorrow or Saturday, the Producer has provided a special discount viewing code: JAN2015.

https://www.reelhouse.org/furafilms/dark-side-of-the-full-moon

But even if you don’t have a chance to watch it by Saturday, I encourage you to pay the full price because we NEED to spread the word so that the secret can be demystified.

1 in 7 women in the United States will experience a postpartum mood disorder.

Stop and think about your circle of friends and your extended family. Count the last seven to have had a baby. Chances are one (or even two because not all cases are accounted for because many do not seek treatment) have PPD.

Or, like me, maybe one of them experienced postpartum psychosis. I was the 1 out of 1,000. I had been previously been diagnosed with Type 1 bipolar disorder. And yet, discussions on postpartum mood disorders never took place.

This needs to change. We need to have these conversations.

One of the big take-aways from the film is that there is a huge disconnect between OB-GYNs and Psychiatrists/Therapists. It’s almost as if neither wants to take responsibility for a mom struggling with a perinatal mood disorder. Part of the reality is that they have very little training in maternal psychiatric disorders. Why not when so many women (1.3 million women annually – more women get postpartum depression than breast cancer ever year) are affected?

The stories you hear will shock you. They will have you in tears. They will rock you to the core.

But they NEED to be heard.

This fantasy of motherhood being the most wonderful, endearing, perfect time of our lives is not reality. Having a baby is the most terrifying, nerve-wracking, anxiety-provoking event in a woman’s life. Everything changes in an instant. Let’s be real here.

And since the professionals don’t understand how to help us, it’s time we take matters into our own hands.

We can speak out and share our stories so that other women and their families can begin to understand the signs and symptoms. So that they won’t be afraid to reach out for help before a tragedy occurs. The more of us who can stand up and say, “I was sick, but I got treatment and I survived. And I tell my story to help others realize they are not alone,” the more lives we will save.

Maternal mental illness is complicated. But until we start talking about it openly, like any other illness in our body – cancer, diabetes, high blood pressure, a broken leg, asthma, etc, etc, etc. – things will remain the same.

And we cannot let that happen. We cannot let mothers and babies slip through the cracks.

Please watch this film. Tell your friends and family about it. Share it because you may save a life by sharing it. Start these conversations.

If you’re currently in need of help for a possible perinatal mood disorder, here are some great resources to start with:

Postpartum Progress – the most widely-read website on postpartum mood disorders, also a non-profit organization focused on increasing awareness and providing peer support

Postpartum Support Interntional – if you need someone to talk to immediately, call the PSI Warmline at 1-800-944-4773 (4PPD)

and if you’re in the Washington, DC metro area, the DMV-PMH Resource Guide is a directory of specialized mental health providers for pregnancy and postpartum compiled by an incredible Labor & Delivery nurse and her team

The only way we’ll change the fact that postpartum mood disorders are motherhood’s biggest secret is by raising our voices collectively. Together we can force this change. These are secrets we no longer need to keep.

Help Me Reach {or exceed!} my goal for Climb Out of the Darkness 2014

ClimbOut2014

Going through a postpartum mood disorder is something no woman should have to experience alone. Which is why I am so passionate about Postpartum Progress and all of the incredible programs this non-profit organization provides through the connectivity of the internet.

Back when I had my first child almost six years ago, there weren’t many people talking openly about postpartum mental health. Sure, there was the literature you’d see in the waiting room at the OB’s office during your monthly visits and the brief articles in pregnancy magazines. But no one really talked about the kinds of postpartum mood disorders, or, more importantly, what they felt like.

None of my friends ended up having PPD, or at least none that I knew of. And even though I had been diagnosed with Bipolar Type 1, and had been hospitalized twice for mania before my pregnancy, I honestly thought I was in the clear. I thought that part of my life was behind me and I no longer needed to worry about a mental breakdown of those sorts since I had been “in remission” for over a year and was completely med-free during my pregnancy. Looking back now I can’t believe I was worried more about PPD than PPP, especially given my previous manic episodes.

I know exactly why. Depression almost killed me in 2006. Two manic episodes, two weeks apart, two hospital stays and I was left a shell of former self. I had been crushed from the outside in, and stayed that way for an entire year. My career came to a screeching halt. I would wake to anxiety wrapped around my entire body, making me wish I could just end it all. I dreaded going out with friends because everyone was always talking about work and family and I was terrified I’d never be able to return to the work that I loved, and was even more fearful of not being able to have the children which I desperately wanted.

The silence surrounding mental illness was part of what made it so hard to pull through that year. I wanted someone to talk to. I tried. But whenever I would try to bring it up, awkwardness would inevitably kill the conversation.  I felt so ashamed. Blank stares, no words, uncomfortable silence. That damn silence. So I stopped trying.

I don’t remember exactly when I found Postpartum Progress, but I do remember how I felt. These are my people. They understand me. They understand what I went through. They understand all the pain and suffering and how unbelievable it feels to come out on the other side. And they want to talk. And listen. And help society to understand that maternal mental illness is just like any other illness. When we’re able to get help and we have support, we can get well and be the mamas we’ve always dreamed we would be. I’ve become friends with a number of phenomenal, passionate, empathetic women through Postpartum Progress who encouraged me to continue sharing my story. I peeled off the layers of shame and found my voice as an advocate.

This coming weekend, women all over the world will be climbing mountains, hiking trails and speaking out about postpartum mood disorders during the 2nd annual Postpartum Progress Climb Out of the Darkness. They’ll be climbing with their friends and families to raise money for Postpartum Progress which will help the organization continue to focus on its key initiatives: raising awareness, fighting stigma and providing peer support for pregnant and new mothers.

My family and I completed the climb last year by ourselves, but this year I volunteered to lead Team McLean, here in Virginia, in a hike at Great Falls National Park on Sunday. I am so honored to head up this wonderful group and can’t wait to meet them all in person. Whenever I meet people who have walked similar roads to mine, I feel an instant connection.

Our team has done a tremendous job fundraising, but we still have time! Personally, I am only $290 away from my goal of $1,000 and would be so appreciative of your support. The minimum donation on Crowdrise is $10, but no donation is considered small in my eyes. If I’m able to raise $1k by this Saturday, June 21st, I’ll earn a ticket to the first ever Warrior Mama Conference in Boston next July and I would SO LOVE to be there to hug all these warrior mamas I’ve gotten to know online over the past few years.

Here’s the link to donate: https://www.crowdrise.com/jennifermarshall3-cotd2014/fundraiser/jennifermarshall3

We’re #BackInTheWorld! {See if you can spot me and Owen in the video! Vivian took the picture.}

Thank you so much to David Gray for the use of his new single, Back in the World, from his new album, Mutineers. LOVE THIS SONG.

Your donation will help bring a voice to postpartum mood disorders. It will encourage conversations that will help heal mothers who may be suffering in silence. Please consider donating to this life-saving organization today. Thank you so much!

Maternal Mental Health Month

Courage_BML

In May 2011, Postpartum Support International (PSI) declared May as Maternal Mental Health Awareness Month. Over the past few weeks I’ve been busy writing some pieces in support of the efforts to raise awareness of women’s mental health before, during and after pregnancy. Two were published recently and I’m proud to share them with you.

 

Yesterday was the 5th annual Mother’s Day Rally for Moms’ Mental Health, hosted by Postpartum Progress, the most widely-read blog in the world on postpartum depression and other mental illnesses related to pregnancy and childbirth. It featured 24 letters (one of them was mine!) from survivors of PPD, postpartum anxiety, postpartum OCD, depression after weaning and/or postpartum psychosis. Their purpose is to inform and encourage pregnant and new moms who may be struggling with their emotional health. I was honored to be included again this year.

 

Along those same lines of postpartum and mental health, today a piece I wrote for WhatToExpect.com’s Word of Mom blog went live. (Yes, that’s really me in the picture included in the post!) In it I describe the feelings of guilt and sadness I experienced when I had to quit breastfeeding because I needed to return to my medication. I’ve learned that no mom should put unnecessary pressure on herself to breastfeed, especially if her mental health is at risk.


I hope you have a chance to check out these posts and please share if you know someone who might benefit from the information within. Thanks so much and I hope all those moms out there had a great Mother’s Day yesterday!

Postpartum psychosis – how it happened to me (Part I)

I was online this afternoon and came across a story in our local online newspaper about a woman who had experienced postpartum psychosis after the birth of her second child. She stopped her car in the middle of DC afternoon rush hour traffic, took off all her clothes, and was running along the shoulder of the road towards a bridge over the Potomac River. She was convinced that she needed to be baptized in the water because the world was ending.

The details of her story are eerily familiar to me. I feel for her that she had to go through something as embarrassing as stripping down naked in public. Could you imagine?

But at the same time I am so incredibly proud of her for standing up and telling her story – publicly. She is a brave woman and I truly respect her. She is not afraid of speaking out about this rare disorder that affects only one to two women out of 1,000. It doesn’t sound like many at all, but when you do the math, that computes out to 4,100 to 8,200 women in a year based on the average number of annual births.

I think it’s about time that PPP gets a voice. There is so much information out there about postpartum depression, but if you ask anyone if they know anything about postpartum psychosis, I would venture to bet that they’d bring up Andrea Yates, the Texas mother who killed her five young children by drowning them in the bathtub in June of 2001. But only five percent of women with postpartum psychosis commit suicide and only four percent commit infanticide.

Those numbers could be so much lower, if the general public were aware of the signs and symptoms of postpartum psychosis so that they could intervene before a tragedy could occur. When a woman finds out she is pregnant and begins reading the various pregnancy books out there, there is always a chapter on postpartum depression. I wish those authors would cover the other side of the spectrum too. There are lives at stake.

It happened to me after the birth of our first child in September of 2008. He was a healthy 6 pounds, 12 ounces, delivered via emergency C-section. (He wasn’t tolerating the contractions since his heart rate was taking a nosedive with each one, and I wasn’t dialating past 5 inches, so the decision was made and at that point I was so exhausted I just couldn’t wait for him to be out.) I was absolutely determined to breastfeed him, yet had no clue what I was doing. I just felt all of this outside pressure to make breastfeeding work – all of my friends had breastfeed their children, the books and magazines you read all say that “breast is best” and of course all the literature at the doctor’s office was the same. Even the formula company’s marketing materials pushed breastfeeding. So of course I put a ton of pressure on myself to make it work. It made those first few days and weeks with baby boy so grueling, draining, and sad. Due to the C-section, and the added stress I was putting on myself to be successful at nursing, my milk took almost a full week to come in. I was breaking out in hives up and down my legs every night because I was so stressed out. Instead of enjoy my baby, I was feeling like I was failing as a mother because I couldn’t feed him. The pediatrician had us start supplementing with formula at his 2-day check-up because he had lost too much weight. I was barely sleeping at all. That is how the mania started to spiral me into psychosis.

The days and nights started to mush together as I started to live life in 2-hour increments. The baby would nurse for 45-minutes, then we’d do a diaper change, then he’d nap, but in the hour that he napped I felt as though I had a million things to do so I never napped myself. And it wasn’t as if I didn’t have help with me. My parents stayed for a week after the baby was born and my husband was off from work for two weeks. So I did have times when I could hand over the baby, but yet, things still had to get done.

It was about seven days after he was born that I remember breaking down in tears in front of my mom with the phone in my hand, outstretched to her, pleading, “Please call my OB and ask her what med I can take that will help me sleep! I can’t sleep!”  My mom called and they said I could use Tylenol PM while nursing, and so I did that afternoon and slept four hours straight, the longest stretch of sleep I had gotten since having the baby. The next day my mom changed her flight so that she could stay a few extra days to help out.

I remember feeling as though my mind was starting to race uncontrollably at times during those first four weeks after my son’s birth, but somehow I was able to hide it from my husband and my parents. I wanted to be able to breastfeed my son and I knew I couldn’t do that while taking medication. So I continued to fight the racing thoughts, but they quickly caught up with me in a big way.

We had our son baptized when he was four weeks and two days old. My parents flew back into town for the ceremony, and stayed with us for that weekend. I drove them and my brother and sister-in-law to the airport on Monday morning. On Tuesday morning I had become manic to the point of psychotic, and had to be hospitalized because I refused to take medication.

I spent a week in a psychiatric facility where the doctors stabilized me using a combination of anti-psychotics, sleep medications, and the mood-stabilizer Lithium. I could not believe that I had missed out on my son’s fifth week of life. Completely.

The insomnia was the first and most prominent symptom for me. The delusions and hallucinations are a close second. I refused to eat at times. Each and every sound I hear is amplified one hundred percent. These are the symptoms that I experienced every time I had been hospitalized. Which up until that point had been twice.

The common theme that I experience when I become manic to the point of psychotic is the feeling that the world is ending. Let me tell you – it has got to be the scariest feeling in the world when you are absolutely convinced that it is happening. The time I lost touch with reality after our son was born, I remember that I had been sleeping upstairs since my husband said he would take care of the baby so that I could get some rest. I woke up at some point in the middle of the night and went downstairs to find him asleep on the couch, the gas fireplace blazing, with our son snoozing peacefully on his chest. For a split-second I thought about grabbing my camera to take a picture, but I had no idea where it was or else it seemed like too much of an effort to find it, so I didn’t bother. I just woke my husband up and we went upstairs to bed, putting the baby down in the bassinet by our bedside.

A few hours later I couldn’t sleep because I kept thinking I heard the baby crying. But he wasn’t. My husband kept telling me to go back to sleep. But I couldn’t. When he woke up an hour or so later to get ready for work, he knew right away that I wasn’t right and he needed to call for help.

(To be continued…)